Posted on by darleneishealedtospeak

A Letter to my Dad…A Letter to My Father (very long post)

Hello all!

I pray you are well, and you enjoyed your weekend. Today’s blog post is a bit different from ones I have written previously. I wrote this in June, read it over and saved it. But three weeks ago, I opened it and felt led to make it a blog post. I did not want to, but I felt strongly that I should. So here goes…

If you are reading this post, I want you to know that God loves you. He hears your cries for healing and deliverance in whatever area you need it.  God is always near to us, even when he is silent. God desires you to be healed and whole. But we must follow His plan to obtain healing.

…“If you listen carefully to the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I AM the LORD, who heals you.” – Exodus 15:26

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Dear Dad,

It is your daughter Darlene. It has been several years since we last spoke. I want to talk to you, but since I do not know where you are, I decided to write. The first time we spoke was over the phone; it was in 1998. I was eighteen, so nervous, but excited. I am sure you do not remember, but the first thing you said to me was “Don’t get pregnant.” After you said it, I did not want to continue our conversation because I was already pregnant. I thought you would not accept me, so I never told you. We continued the conversation for a couple more minutes and you told me I had brothers and sisters, but I was your oldest daughter. I was excited to learn I had other siblings. Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to meet them and that was the last time we spoke…twenty years ago.

I am now thirty-nine and a few months ago, I discovered how much I missed you. I miss what you didn’t give me. My childhood was not a good one and I often wondered where you were. I wondered if you thought about me sometimes. Did you care about what I was experiencing? I was so insecure growing up. At age twelve, I experienced my first heartbreak by a boy. I wanted to know where you were. I had so many questions to ask. I wanted to know what was wrong with boys. I thought I wasn’t pretty because the girl he dumped me for was much lighter than I was.

When I saw a picture of you for the first time, I was angry. I was angry because I realized where I got my dark complexion from. Of all the things you could have given me, you gave me the one thing I hated the most.

When I was fifteen, I started seeing a twenty-three-year-old man. I am grateful for the wisdom God placed in me at an early age. I knew I needed to get out of that situation or it would turn into something worse, so I did. When I was sixteen, I was violated by one of my mother’s boyfriends and it was a secret I held until I told my husband at age thirty-five. Later that year, I began dating the father of my firstborn son. Deep down, I knew I should not be with him, but he was light-skinned with green eyes and it made me feel special that I could attract someone who looked that way. At eighteen, I became pregnant and I was depressed. My light-skinned boyfriend with green eyes dumped me and my life was ruined, or so I thought. I told my mother, but she could not offer me any advice. I was on my own. In those moments, I mourned you most.

I remember the day I saw you for the first time.  I was nervous and excited and if it were not for my mother and husband, I would have opted out altogether. It had been six years since we first spoke. I was about twenty-six and by then I was married for six months. You met my husband that day and I could tell you liked him and surprisingly, he liked you too. When I saw you, I could tell you still had your own issues to deal with. I knew there was no way you were ready to be what I wanted. I said hello, shook your hand, smiled, and quietly walked away as I forgave you in my heart. As I walked away, I knew that day would begin my journey to healing from so many things.

When I was young, my mother told me how sad she was that you left her to raise me alone. She did not know how to handle that pain, so she inflicted it on me…I forgave her years ago. Did you know my mom passed away five years ago…Probably not?

Dad, I wrote this letter, not to make you feel sad or regretful, but to let you know, I love you and I am okay. I forgave you a long time ago. I respect you because you gave me life and I am grateful for it. I have absolutely no ill will against you. I want you to see God’s grace in my life because it is the only thing that has kept me all these years. I serve a GREAT God. I am hopeful and prayerful that the Lord would allow us to connect so I can learn who you really are, and you can learn who I really am. And I would love it if you could meet your ALL your grandchildren. Whatever God’s will for our relationship, I want you to know I love you. You were the best Dad that you could be to me at that time.

I love you with the same love Christ has shown me.
Your daughter,
Darlene
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Dear Heavenly Father,

You knew me before you formed me in my mother’s womb. When my mother and father forsook me, you took me up according to your word. You have been my comforter and my friend. You were the One I called on when I was being abused. You were the one I called on when I had to sleep outside on my front porch because my mother had an outburst. You have always been there for me. But Father, I realized I never had a conversation with you about my biological father. And this year, I realized it is time. I am so glad you were there for me when he wasn’t. I do not know what I would have done if it were not for you.

You have been my everything when I had absolutely nothing. You were the one who dried my tears when all I could do was cry. You were with me while I grew up in a halfway house with my mother and others, who had their own issues. You protected me when demons tried to kill me at night. You were the first man to tell me I was beautiful and fearfully and wonderfully made. You were the first man to love me unconditionally and forgave me when I made mistakes.

You loved me so much, that you sent me a wonderful husband; something that I did not expect. You sent me a man who loved me through the pain I did not know I was still carrying. He held me when I cried for no reason. He prayed over me at night while I slept, although he thought I was asleep. You sent me someone who told me I was beautiful. Thank you for giving me a husband with patience beyond anything I have known. You sent me a husband that loved on me and walked with me through my process. Most importantly, you sent me a man who loves me like Christ loves the Church.

Although the process was long, you healed me from my pain. You helped me to forgive so many people who broke my heart, especially as a young child. God, you allowed me to be a mother and raise all my children with ALL the love I did not receive. You were the only example of love that I knew. And I learned you were the only example of love I needed.

Father, I love you so much. Thank you for this journey that I would not trade for anything. It made me strong, wise, loving and softened my heart towards others who have experienced similar pain.

There are not enough words to express my gratitude. Thank you for loving me….now and FOREVER

Your daughter,
Darlene

Scriptures
Mark 11:35 – And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins

Psalm 27:10 – Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me

Psalm 139:14 – I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Ephesians 5:25-26 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her; to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word

 

Posted on by darleneishealedtospeak · 2 Comments

An Exercise of the Heart

Over the last six months, I was visiting the gym on a regular basis. In two months, I began to see the physical difference in my mind, body, and attitude. I felt great, looked better, lost weight and gained stamina all while adding years to my life. I realized the benefits of exercising were worth every moment of my soreness and pain.

This summer, after my children finished school, my gym routine took a bit of a hit. I started at four days a week, then three, then one, and then nothing. I began to feel sluggish, tired, and I gained a couple of pounds back. I was so disappointed with myself, but I said it is time to get back on the horse and start over.

As I began caring for my physical body again, I began pondering on the heart, but in a different way. I wondered as Christians are we exercising our hearts spiritually? Are we praying, reading our word, repenting, and forgiving? Evidence of an unhealthy heart are negative words proceeding from our mouths, complaining, and unclean thoughts. These are some of the things that will happen we stop exercising our hearts spiritually.

What do you do when you have gotten off track when it comes to caring for your heart spiritually? Pray, read the Word, and ask for God’s forgiveness. Just like the health benefits for exercising our natural hearts, there are benefits for exercising our hearts spiritually. For example, you speak words of love and wisdom, you give God praise, and you desire to please the Lord.

Psalms 51:10 says, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” This is a scripture we should speak daily. The Bible tells us to fix our hearts on whatever is honorable, right and true, but if our hearts aren’t clean, it is impossible to do that.

There will be times our routine can suddenly change and it may interfere with our prayer life, worship or church activities, but we must be diligent about keeping a healthy heart because our entire life depends on it.

Scriptures
Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me”

Matthew 15:18-20 “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. 20 These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.”

Philippians 4:8 “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

Psalm 51:17 – “The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”

 

Posted on by darleneishealedtospeak

Ready…Set…Goals!

Time is moving so fast! Can you believe we are in the middle of March? I enjoy this season; flowers and trees are beginning to bloom, and daylight savings time is here! Each year I look forward to the changes spring brings.

Since I am writing about the incoming season, I thought I would ask you a question. How are you doing with the goals you set for yourself this year? Are on track? Have you stalled? Are you happy with where you are? Have you given up? Did you create any goals?

I believe this will be a year of great release, but I also believe many of those releases will not manifest if we are not diligently doing our part. No matter where you are in the process, I hope you are moving. Movement is so important. When we move we are making progress regardless of how small the movement is.

One of my goals this year is to lose 50 pounds. I said to myself last year, that no matter what, I was going to get the weight off. I tried many things, but nothing I tried was working, so I decided to join a gym and three weeks ago I did. It has been the best thing. I already lost four pounds in two weeks and I only did the treadmill for 60 minutes four days a week. When I lost those four pounds I felt liberated! I know I looked insane in front of my doctor when I got weighed, but I could not help it. I saw movement and movement gives you the fortitude and faith to keep going. A couple weeks ago, I met with a trainer who gave me wonderful information and I have already incorporated her knowledge and expertise into my workout. I am excited!  

I want to encourage you. If you have fallen off in terms of your goals, get back up and finish! Don’t give up. Keep moving forward. If you got off track, get back on. Write the book, start the business, start the ministry, go after your dream job, lose the weight, strengthen your walk with Christ. Whatever your goals are get started and keep going. You don’t want December to get here and have regrets.

If you haven’t created any goals create one right now! However, as you plan remember Proverbs 16:3, which states, “commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.”

Now, please know there will be setbacks. I am not saying this to discourage you, but to let you know that whenever we attempt to do better, there will always be a pull to either stop or hinder you, but please don’t let it. If you have experienced setbacks, get back up and keep fighting.

Map out your goals and write down the steps so you may finish before the year is out! Whether you use a vision board, PowerPoint, or just a plain piece of paper, writing down what you want to do is important as it is a small step towards the final goal.

Remember small steps over time become giant leaps!

Love you all,

Darlene
#healedtospeak

Posted on by darleneishealedtospeak

Can You Carry Me?

Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

I often write on the subject of healing. I do this because of my own personal experiences. I also write on the subject because of the hurt God allows me to see in others. There are so many people walking around wounded and damaged. They have smiles on their faces, but their hearts are broken. They are defeated, depressed and suicidal yet many times will never show it.  If we are not sensitive to the needs of others, (especially Christians) we can miss it.

For years, I walked around completely broken. I sought healing but at the time, I did not know how to go to God to receive my healing, so I sought it out in people. Unfortunately, I did not find the healing I needed and this happened for several reasons.

Many years after my own healing process, I realized there were others who experienced the same types of pain I did. Pain from their childhood, church, relationships, abuse and so on. My past pain made me sensitive to the current pain of others.

Each of us bear a responsibility to help those who are hurt. Sometimes people need to talk and we just need to listen. Then there are times a person will need more than just talking, and when we cannot help, we should point them in the direction of someone who can. How many of us have been too busy in our own lives to stop and listen to the burdens of others? How many of us have acted as if it is a hassle to listen? How many of us take the time to talk to someone with no agenda, other than the place of God’s love for others? How many times have we exchanged pleasantries such as “how are you?” the individual responds “fine” and we move right along without giving an actual thought to whether they are truly fine or not? Sometimes we forget life is not always about us.

Each of us has the power to help someone through the most difficult seasons of his or her life. Each of us can assist someone through their process of healing and let them know they are not alone. Can we be sensitive enough to see and to help? We need each other to survive. We cannot walk through this life alone. 

Think about those moments you needed someone. When someone asked how you were doing and you responded fine knowing you were not. Despite whether or not you would vent to the person, there were times you needed to talk, but no one was there.  I understand there are times the Lord isolates us so we may draw closer to him, however, he also commanded us to “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ” according to Galatians 6:2. 

We do not need to vent our issues each time and we should always be careful of who we vent our issues to, but there will be times we need a listening ear and an encouraging word. Philippians 2:4 says, “each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Will you answer the call and be there for someone else? My prayer is we all will.

Blessings.

Darlene
#healedtospeak

 

Posted on by darleneishealedtospeak

God, I Did It Right This Time…

            Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

 

After being married for almost a year, I became pregnant with my first child. I was elated and a little scared at the same time because it had been ten years since that last time I was pregnant; but I was ready.

I thought to myself, this time I do not have to hide my belly; this time I can tell people; this time I am married and I have a man who truly loves me and is just as excited as I am about bringing a new life into the world. This time I am happy.

Then on Friday, November 23, 2007, it all changed. I went to work feeling good, but as the day progressed, I began to feel worse. I experienced cramping and later spotting. After I got home, I told my husband what I was experiencing and we reluctantly went to the emergency room.
We went to the hospital that evening and spoke with a cold and unsympathetic doctor who told us we were experiencing a miscarriage. I could not believe it and neither did my husband. Earlier that day, I had a feeling that it was happening but did not want to believe it so I prayed against it. Unfortunately, the miscarriage was becoming my truth.
How did things change so suddenly? This morning, I was happy with anticipation and by evening I had a feeling of grief so deep I could not share it enough to articulate. As the weekend slowly wore on, my heartbreak increased. Then, finally, it was over. I visited the doctor on Monday morning and there was no more baby. My brokenness was unbearable.
Then I thought, “God, I did it right this time.” I got married first and then had my baby. “Why is this happening?” “Did God love me?” If so, “Why did he allow this?” “Was I being punished for the things I did in my past?” “Is this punishment for having my first child out of wedlock?” “God Why?”
So…what do you do when you “do it right” and it still does not work out? You stand, trust and believe God’s plan for your life. Seems easy, but it is not especially when you are in the midst of your pain.  There are so many scriptures I could give, that give credence to this, but the one that comes to mind is one of my favorites which is Jeremiah 29:11, “for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
A year later, I became pregnant again and we had our first son and two years after that, God gave me another baby that was part of His plan, but certainly not part of ours…lol…Praise God.

God gave me double for my pain and beauty for my ashes.  

The pain of losing a child never goes away, but I have peace knowing that I will see her at the appointed time. The bottom line is God is always in control even when things are out of control. He has a perfect plan that will always benefit us. However, it does not mean we will not experience pain to get to joy. But we still must trust the plan.

Love you all,

Darlene
#healedtospeak