I thought to myself, this time I do not have to hide my belly; this time I can tell people; this time I am married and I have a man who truly loves me and is just as excited as I am about bringing a new life into the world. This time I am happy.

Then on Friday, November 23, 2007, it all changed. I went to work feeling good, but as the day progressed, I began to feel worse. I experienced cramping and later spotting. After I got home, I told my husband what I was experiencing and we reluctantly went to the emergency room.

We went to the hospital that evening and spoke with a cold and unsympathetic doctor who told us we were experiencing a miscarriage. I could not believe it and neither did my husband. Earlier that day, I had a feeling that it was happening but did not want to believe it so I prayed against it. Unfortunately, the miscarriage was becoming my truth.

How did things change so suddenly? This morning, I was happy with anticipation and by evening I had a feeling of grief so deep I could not share it enough to articulate. As the weekend slowly wore on, my heartbreak increased. Then, finally, it was over. I visited the doctor on Monday morning and there was no more baby. My brokenness was unbearable.

Then I thought, “God, I did it right this time.” I got married first and then had my baby. “Why is this happening?” “Did God love me?” If so, “Why did he allow this?” “Was I being punished for the things I did in my past?” “Is this punishment for having my first child out of wedlock?” “God Why?”

So…what do you do when you “do it right” and it still does not work out? You stand, trust and believe God’s plan for your life. Seems easy, but it is not especially when you are in the midst of your pain.  There are so many scriptures I could give, that give credence to this, but the one that comes to mind is one of my favorites which is Jeremiah 29:11, “for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

A year later, I became pregnant again and we had our first son and two years after that, God gave me another baby that was part of His plan, but certainly not part of ours…lol…Praise God.

God gave me double for my pain and beauty for my ashes.  

The pain of losing a child never goes away, but I have peace knowing that I will see her at the appointed time. The bottom line is God is always in control even when things are out of control. He has a perfect plan that will always benefit us. However, it does not mean we will not experience pain to get to joy. But we still must trust the plan.

Love you all,

Darlene
#healedtospeak